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In order to alleviate your winter boredom, the columnist has devised a simple multiple choice test to entertain and enlighten you. The correct answers are not printed at the bottom of the test.
Pope Francis recently admonished Catholics that they need not “breed like rabbits” and suggested there are many, many ways to avoid pregnancy such as:
A) Don’t have sex
B) Don’t have sex
C) Don’t have sex
D) Don’t have sex
E) How would he know anyway?
Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) was chosen to give the official Republican rebuttal to the president’s State of the Union address because:
A) She once bragged about working on a farm castrating hogs
B) She’s one of the few women in Congress
C) She once made biscuits for Hardee’s
D) Sarah Palin is too liberal
E) All of the above
The Republicans claim that they are responsible for the improved economy is true because:
A) The President ignored them and did the opposite
B) Because I heard it on Fox News
C) Mitch McConnell would never lie to me
D) No, he wouldn’t
E) The Republicans also invented baseball, didn’t they?
A recent study shows that McDonald’s fries are actually made from:
A) 19 different ingredients, 18 of which even chemists never heard of
B) Recycled State of the Union speeches
C) Stuff your child found under the sofa and placed in an Easy Bake Oven D) The stuff that dreams are made of E)You don’t really want to know
On Super Bowl Sunday:
A) Someone at your party will get agita and ask if you have Alka-Seltzer
B) One spoilsport will actually want to watch the game
C) You will host a Katy Perry sing-a-long at halftime
D) Someone will pick the winner based on their “cute colors”
E) Win or lose, the Patriots will be accused of cheating
On any given day, your Facebook page will include at least one of the following:
A) A “healthy” recipe for macaroni and cheese
B) A photo of a snake and a mongoose cuddling
C) The stunning observation that one of your Facebook friends loves her family and God, hopes for world peace and asks if you agree to forward the message to all of your other friends
D) A political observation that you will hate
E) All of the above, but that won’t stop you from checking your Facebook page daily
Here is how Tiger Woods recently lost a tooth:
A) His ex-wife was seen lurking behind the ninth hole with a golf club in her hands
B) He ran into a guy with a smashed nose who keeps betting on Tiger to win one of the big majors C) He’s going to be playing Mike Tyson in an upcoming movie
D) Could be Lindsay Vonn’s former boyfriend
E) I’d knock out some of my own teeth for a kiss from Lindsay Vonn
My remarks while watching Speaker of the House John Boehner along with Vice President Joe Biden traditionally seated behind the president at the recent State of the Union address were because:
A) I think Biden kept breaking wind and Boehner suffered the effects by the look on his face
B) Guess which man’s party had just won control of Congress
C) Biden’s thoughts (who the hell is shooting up my neighborhood?
D) Boehner’s thoughts (two more years of playing golf with Obama and pretending to enjoy it
E) Well, that makes two men of color up on the podium
Fan Mag Headline Miley Cyrus Pregnant – Gets Dumped – Is Devastated. My reaction is:
A) One of utter shock
B) Is that the name of her new hit song?
C) She’s advertising for her new reality show
D) Oh my God, what will she name the baby?
E) She should’ve checked with the Pope
Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson claims that God made him throw four interceptions because:
A) God bet on the Packers and boy is he ticked (or is it she?)
B) God is also known to have kept Bradley Fletcher from looking back for the ball every time he got torched
C) God is pre-occupied building character for Russell Wilson
D) I wish God would concentrate on getting better halftime shows during the Super Bowl
E) After hearing Russell Wilson speak, God wishes there were no God
I always liked multiple choice tests because:
A) You’ve got a one in four chance of guessing the correct answer
B) Although, true and false tests are better because they give you a 50 percent chance of guessing the correct answer
C) And looking at the nerdy kid’s paper sitting next to you gives you almost a 100 percent chance of getting the correct answer
D) Although, nowadays if you bribe the nerdy kid, he’ll text you the correct answers
E) If it’s an essay test, you can try to write really badly and maybe the professor will assume you know the right answer.
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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