(As a public service to the two-party system, your columnist is offering the following analysis for crestfallen Republicans on how to get through the next four years.)
If you are among America’s wealthiest people, put aside an extra 4.6 percent of your income for taxes. This is really not the end of the world. For this purpose, use the funds you would normally reserve for contributing to losing Republican presidential candidates like John McCain or Mitt Romney over the next four years.
If I were you, I would not heed the call to revolution by Donald Trump. Personally, I would not listen to anything Trump says, but that’s just my opinion. But seriously, The Donald leading a revolt is a little like me entering the Indianapolis 500, and I don’t drive. It is difficult to picture Trump with his head shaved, dressed in olive drab fatigues, carrying an AK-47 and hiding out in the Appalachian Mountains while planning a coup. It is far more likely that when Trump talks of revolution, he means trading his fat ties for the narrow retro look and buying his wine on sale. If you join the Trump Revolution, be aware that it is likely that you will be in the front lines, while Donald cheers you on from a penthouse suite. As Trump is likely to admit, it is difficult leading a revolution when you have a hit TV show.
You might as well stop calling The Affordable Healthcare Act “Obama Care.” I know it is difficult to swallow the idea that first a conservative Supreme Court upheld the law and now Romney won’t be around to repeal it on the first day he takes office, mainly because he isn’t going to be at the White House. But that’s what you get when you nominate a candidate, who when he was the governor of Massachusetts, came up with the idea for “Obama Care.” I know it’s rough, but you’ll have to get used to being able to keep your kid on your health insurance until they’re 26 if they are living in your household. And not getting turned down for pre-existing conditions is a real bear, but you’ll get over it and might even grow to like it.
I know you were probably looking forward to that Medicare voucher Paul Ryan promised you up to the age of 55. Get over your disappointment at not having to shell out an extra $6,000 to cover the failure of it to pay for the needed medical coverage. I realize it’s difficult to imagine politics without Romney running for president anymore, just think about the future. He does have five sons ready to rescue capitalism by running for office and strapping their own family dogs to the roof of their van on future cross-country political campaigns. And Ryan isn’t going away anytime soon. He’ll be in Congress pitching his ideas for privatizing Social Security because there are so many folks just licking their chops at the idea of staking their future on the rise and fall of the stock market.
The Pentagon won’t get that extra $2 trillion Romney promised them, but then they never asked for the extra bucks anyway so chances are they won’t miss it. We’ll all just have to muddle along without thoughts of entering a juicy new war with Iran at the same time we put Iraq and Afghanistan in our rearview mirror.
You will have to live with the thought we are moving closer to legalizing gay marriage. Think of it this way, we are a resilient people, we have survived the Kardashians not only marrying, but procreating. And Ellen getting married hasn’t hurt her ratings on daytime TV. Maybe we are becoming a more tolerant people.
I too am as disappointed as you knowing that we will never find out what was in Romney’s Five Point-Plan. We will never know whether his idea of “self-deportation” would have solved illegal immigration. My feeling is that there will be endless speculation about these ideas on The History Channel right after discussions about ancient aliens.
There are signs Republicans have already learned from their mistakes of the past campaign. Here are some strategies I believe that the Republican Party will use to mount a comeback in 2016:
They will legislate against hurricanes occurring during the latter stages of future presidential campaigns.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie will use the next four years to explain how he was artfully manipulated into bear hugging Barack Obama. Christie will apologize for placing the welfare of the citizens of his state ahead of political considerations. He will be seen in public bear hugging Rush Limbaugh.
Republicans will nominate a person of minority background as their candidate for president. Only Herman Cain will be excluded from that potential list of candidates.
Rick Santorum will begin wearing sweaters with sleeves.
Sean Hannity will blame Bristol Palin’s latest appearance on “Dancing With The Stars” for the decline of the Republican Party.
Having lost two attempts to keep Obama out of the White House, Republicans will begin impeachment proceedings against him five minutes after the Inaugural Ball ends.
Republicans will propose replacing the Electoral College with the Rasmussen Poll results.
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