South Philly Review

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There are a couple of things you should know before reading this. Note many of the comments were by Anonymous. Lest you get the wrong idea — Anonymous should not be taken to mean that the writer desires to hide his or her secret identity. Reading my mail, you might get the impression all of the anonymous writers are either in the Witness Protection Program or former Nazis hiding in the Pampas of Argentina. That is definitely not the case. “Anonymous” refers to Tacitus Anonymous, a critic of this columnist and descendant of a renowned Roman senator during the reign of Nero. He actually gave Nero violin lessons.

Anonymous is witty and charming, never mind his inelegant way of expressing himself (in truth, he has been in mourning since Latin became a non-speaking language). If a Hollywood movie were ever made about Anonymous, Will Ferrell would no doubt be cast in the role, wearing a sheet — a toga? Spelling and punctuation have been left intact to capture the original Latin.

Anonymous on our preview of the new football season: “...eagles fans are mamas boys who were told they are men by their mothers. Dumb little Italian kids.”

In reply: Anonymous is obviously a grieving Cowboys fan or someone who ate a bad meatball.

Anonymous on my column about things I could do without: “And we could all do without Obumma.”

In reply: Since this was written at 7:10 a.m., Anonymous obviously was awaking from another night without sex and placing the blame for that too on the president.

Anonymous on my reply to a Letter to the Editor defending the president against the charge that he is a socialist: “[Obama] is a socialist. just because mitt romney created a massachusetts law of healthcare for all, in no way does it make it less socialists. even bad guys do good sometime. We are America not a piss on european country. Socialism with it programs and pseudo evening of the playing field does not work.”

In reply: I forgot to mention Anonymous suffers from a disease known as fear of word capitalization, not to mention his fundamental disrespect for European countries since Rome burned.

Anonymous on the charge “Obama couldn’t run the Cub Scouts” and my reply suggesting our previous president might not even qualify for the Cub Scouts: “the previous president happen to go through flight training and became a fighter pilot...I find [Obama] arrogant and average. healthcare. not in the constitution...healthcare which is socialist comes back to bite you...our president happen to benefit from affirmative action. please go back to a coffee shop and hang with the socialists.”

In reply: You forgot to mention he is also uppity and if he beat you out for that position at Harvard, it had to be because of affirmative action. By the way, I can’t find a good socialist coffee shop these days since Trotsky got axed.

Anonymous on my concern that Ackerman’s failure ultimately impacts the kids: “not my kids.”

In reply: Either Anonymous’ kids are enrolled in another school system, which at least is one positive in a sea of negatives for our troubled public schools, or Anonymous has not reproduced, which shows birth control does not always damage society.

Anonymous on African-Americans living in Philadelphia: “the black people that philly employs are sub par. other cities let them run the football team not the city.”

In reply: What Anonymous means to say is African-Americans in other cities are normally far superior to Caucasians, therefore they run successful NFL franchises rather than toiling at low-paying city jobs. In Philly, they have to be content with being mayor.

Anonymous: “...America is on the ropes because of Obama’s quest to destroy her.”

In reply: Maybe America is just playing rope-a-dope. Incidentally, I have it on good word that America’s sex has yet to be determined.

Anonymous: “people around here talk about the weather too much. Its fine weather as opposed to other places...it’s always sunny in philly.”

In reply: The “other places” to which Anonymous is referring are the Bermuda Triangle and Louisiana in hurricane season. I understand his comment was written right before he had to go out and buy a sum pump.

Anonymous on the teen mob situation: “Fight them. Fight like a lion when they attack. Fight them because your life depends on it. They will show you no mercy. Carry a box cutter, metal pen, knife, or a screwdriver with you. Get your carry permit. When you get your hands on them gouge out the eyes. Punch the throat. Start stabbing and don’t stop. Don’t be a lamb, be a lion...”