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Interpreting the headlines

By Tom Cardella
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Sep. 22, 2011

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Many folks don’t have time to do more than read the headlines. As a public service, your columnist has collected the following headlines and provided my interpretation of the story lines behind these headlines. The headlines are real. The interpretations are my own because I didn’t read the actual stories either.

Did ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’ really cause the civil war? (The New Republic)

Strictly speaking, it wasn’t the cabin that caused the Civil War, it was Uncle Tom himself. Apparently, Uncle Tom was just a clever disguise for a slave by the name of Nat Turner. While he was saying, “Yes suh” during the daytime, Nat raised a rebellion during the night. And as Ken Burns said, “the rest was history.”

Obama deliberately kills jobs (Fox Nation)

In its pursuit of the truth, Fox only got two things wrong in this story. Steve Jobs is not dead. Jobs, who recently resigned his post as CEO of Apple, vehemently denies that the president had anything to do with his getting cancer.

Nicolas Cage awakened by naked man with Fudgesicle (The Dish)

Our fact checking revealed that it was no fudgy wudgy that guy was holding. Cage has denied he has this dream fairly often. Another possibility is that the naked man was holding a Fudgesicle and Cage awakened after it dripped on him.

Debating extreme human enhancement

A new debate breaks out on “The View” about Cher’s cosmetic surgeries. There is a slight possibility this story has to do with the time when I inadvertently overdosed on Viagra and my wife threatened to leave me.

Anderson Cooper tears into Michele Bachmann (The Huffington Post)

Don’t be alarmed by the apparent cannibalism implied by this headline. Godiva chocolates was commissioned by the Tea Party to make a life-sized milk chocolate statue of Congresswoman Bachmann. Cooper, a CNN host, loves chocolate and couldn’t resist taking a bite out of her.

“It is amazing the way Godiva was able to duplicate her vacant stare,” Cooper remarked.

Christie slaps around press (Fox Nation)

The governor of New Jersey bitch-slapped Maureen Dowd, well-known New York Times columnist, in front of her stunned media colleagues. Christie claimed that he was actually trying to punch David Gregory of NBC News when Dowd inadvertently got in the way. New Jersey Republicans applauded Christie’s actions and said both Dowd and Gregory have long been begging for it.

Is female masturbation really the last sexual taboo? (The New Republic)

We hope so because it not only makes you go blind, it means more men will take up golf.

Sorry ... We thought you were a Jew (The Dish)

Exclusive country club rejects man’s application for membership prompting him to expose himself.

The four things that happen right before a heart attack (newsmax.com)

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