OPINION > CARDELLA

Stuffing

By Tom Cardella
Add Comment Add Comment | Comments: 0 | Posted Nov. 21, 2012

Share this Story:

Some stores have moved their Black Friday sales up to 8 tonight. Commercialism is ruining our Thanksgiving tradition of letting the NFL ruin our Thanksgiving traditions. Is there nothing sacred?

Gen. David Petraeus claims he met Paula Broadwell in 2006 and they didn’t have sex until ’11. That has to go down as the longest period of foreplay in recorded history. ...

Ikea has apologized for using forced prison labor in its factories in communist East Germany. What would have been more cruel is to use forced labor to assemble their crap. ...

Quick now — a show of hands. How many folks think what we need in Philadelphia is a City Casino? Maybe we could get Dr. Arlene Ackerman to run it. ...

I know it’s a little disconcerting now that the Daily News is being printed on sheets of toilet paper, but you have to admit the newspaper does have a really nice new logo. ...

Can civilization survive the end of Hostess Twinkies? Studies show there is a direct correlation between falling sales and the number of heart attacks suffered by customers. The same studies show decreased life expectancy in the adult population in the deep south began with the introduction of fried Twinkies. Some political observers also see a link with the decline of the Republican Party. ...

On the same day Hostess cakes went out of business, it was announced there has been a rise in the incidence of diabetes among Americans, led by the South. Apparently not all fried Twinkies fans die of heart attacks — some just get diabetes and curse Paula Dean. ...

Speaking of unhealthy food, the Food Network’s Guy Fieri opened a new restaurant in New York City that really ticked off a New York Times food critic. I’m not sure whether it was the cocktail that “glows like nuclear waste” or the roasted pork bahn mi that the critic described as resembling the Vietnamese sandwich “about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson.” I know I rushed to make reservations. Incidentally, my ideal woman closely resembles Dickinson, whom I once described in college as being “pretty, pretty hot.” ...

Republicans are embracing the new Steven Spielberg film “Lincoln.” Now there was a Republican who could connect with minorities, and then they were freed and wanted “stuff,” to use a Bill O’Reilly expression, and it all went downhill from there. Poor Republicans, they only understand that part of the electorate that wants “stuff” like tax breaks on capital gains and discounts on yachts. ...

I don’t know which is more frightening, the disclosure that Lindsay Lohan has a secret half-sister or Pepsi-Cola selling a high-fiber beverage in Japan. The way I figure it, the fact Lohan’s half-sister wants to keep that fact a secret instead of marketing a sex tape indicates a degree of needed sanity in the family. I’m not sure what the excuse is for Pepsi to market a product intended to increase bowel movements. Join the Pepsi Generation ... On the Toilet! ...

Did you hear about the test tube that was discovered and supposedly contained the last breath of inventor Thomas Edison? True story — it was believed Henry Ford, who was at Edison’s bedside when he died, had captured his last breath in a test tube. Ford, the celebrated inventor of the Model T and noted anti-Semite, believed in reincarnation, except for Jews. The story went that Ford thought Edison could be reincarnated from his last breath. It turns out there was nothing in the test tube except for some dust.

However, The History Channel is still going ahead with plans to do a seven-part series on The Reincarnation of Edison. Rumor has it that at the conclusion of the series, they find Edison has returned as Bigfoot. ...

Meanwhile in East London, there is a place called the Abbey Road transit station. It has no relationship to the Abbey Road Studios where the Beatles recorded some of their most famous songs. Every so often, lost tourists stumble upon the transit station expecting to see memorabilia of the Beatles and, of course, wind up being very disappointed. You would think the least the Brits could do is to pipe in some Lennon-McCartney tunes as a sort of consolation prize. How about “You Won’t See Me”? ...

Apparently, the proponents of legalizing recreational marijuana outspent their opponents 400 to 1 on Election Day. Word is a good deal of the money was donated by Woody Harrelson, Willie Nelson and Bill Maher. The rest of it was raised by highly motivated law school students going door to door. ...

The FDA is investigating the possible harmful effects of 5-hour Energy drinks. So far no deaths have definitively been linked to it, but there are reports of very nervous people gathering at unemployment offices across the country with nothing much to do ...

Nick Foles, the new Eagles quarterback, is being trashed by teammates who say he can’t grow a moustache and has been photographed wearing Ugg boots. These days, poor passes don’t bother the Eagles half as much as lousy fashion. ...

So tell me again, how am I supposed to feel about the turkey the president pardoned?

Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.

Add to favoritesAdd to Favorites PrintPrint Send to friendSend to Friend

COMMENTS

ADD COMMENT

Rate:
(HTML and URLs prohibited)

MORE

Article:
August

Article:
Why

Article:
Traveling man

Article:
Vacation

Article:
The problem with living forever

Article:
Age of innocence

Article:
Fireworks

Article:
You gotta love it